I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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