Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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