I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
