I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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