Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
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I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
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finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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