I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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