I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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