just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
