I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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