Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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