for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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