that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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