i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
