I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
