Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
