Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
