Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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