two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize