I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
