if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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