i jhust puked up my retainher.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
