This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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