You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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