Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
