life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
