you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
