Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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