Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
