In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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