I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
