There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize