i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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