I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
