White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
