The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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