she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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