if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
