Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
