Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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