and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
