so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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