i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
