I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
