uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
