You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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