Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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