Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
