I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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