Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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