Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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