glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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