i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
