I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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