the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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