THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
